Category Archives: Quotes.

Quotes 27.


Reporter to reporter 2 about to throw something at her: If you touch me I will cry rape.

Editor commenting on another editor’s baggy trousers: I could clothe a Ugandan village with all that extra material.

Editor: How can you be Italian, you don’t even eat pasta?

Editor talking to giggling reporters: It’s like it’s wet playtime at school and you’re trying to teach but everyone’s too excited because they’ve been inside all day.

Reporter: That’s cause you’re a spastic.
Editor: You can’t call them that anymore, you have to call them scopes.

Editor talking about the general strike: Can you imagine if we stroked?

Editor talking to other editor who asked him to repeat himself: Tune in or fuck off.

Editor: It’s like crack cocaine for fruit lovers, but a lot cheaper – 18 for a pound. Maybe that’s where the old NHS’s drug programme is going wrong, fucking get them off the drugs and on to satsumas.

Reporter: Has anyone ever been awarded a sainthood while they were alive?
Editor: Only that Canon dude, but he was dead.

Editor1: What the hell are you doing?
Editor2: I’m just sat here dressed as Santa, I don’t see any cause for alarm.

Editor1: I should have been a singer.
Editor2: Yeah you could have been in a new five-piece boyband called Twat.

Editor commenting on writing in a colleague’s birthday card: I had to write really big cause there’s no staff left.

Editor discussing the Christmas decorations: I think we’ve lost a few bits.
Reporter: Yeah, from your heads.

Editor: Aww don’t be nasty about little [colleague], I know he’s a moron but he’s our moron.

Editor looking through an agenda: Not this fucking meeting again. Making everything fucking count. Go fuck yourself.
Reporter to colleague: It’s alright, he’s going through a breakdown. I expect him to be shampooing dogs by the end of the day.

Reporter picking up editor’s gloves: I’m going to rub these against my genitals.


Quotes 26.


Editor: You’re a lovely retard you are.

Photographer editing a picture: Right I’ll sharpen this but try not to sharpen her facial hair.

Photographer: Why are they called hookers?
Editor: Because they hook you in…with their fannies.

Editor: I’ll be honest, I’m not trained to deal with epileptic fits. I’d just kick them in the face and tell them to stop pissing about.

Editor: I broke a girl’s collar bone once.

Editor on the phone: Who is it? Age Concern? Oh god I’m not that old yet.

Editor in his 20s: Britney Spears is 30 and has two kids, it’s like life is giving me reminders I’m going to die any day now.

Editor: I’ve read in the Daily Mail having cake off a rapist is not good.

Editor on phone: Have you got any jpegs of the bear?

Editor: When’s National Curry week?
Reporter: When’s National Shut the Fuck up week?

Reporter: You can have a night out in Asda.

Editor: This bird’s beaten cancer. I’m pleased for you bab but you’re from Bromford.

Editor: I love the Black Country Museum, my favourite bit’s the chip shop.

Quotes 24.


Editor looking at web stats: We’re peaking like a bastard.

Editor: All women talk about is colouring, washing machine technology ie I’ve pressed the wrong button and it didn’t come on and fashion.
Reporter: Is that it?
Editor: You can’t cram too much in there otherwise you forget how to colour in.

Editor: Does anyone want to play football with 2p pieces?

Editor: I would be rocking in my chair but they won’t buy me a chair that rocks cause it costs too much.

Property exec: The edges of this tray feel like they’re going to come away, but it’s lasted since the 1970s so it should be alright.

Editor: You’ve got to keep your thatch up to scratch.

Editor commenting on his monopoly over the quotes blog: Can someone pitch in with something funny from time to time? Fucking hell.

Editor shouting in the middle of an entirely unrelated conversation: What some bears go through is unbearable.

Editor talking to reporter: Can I be honest with you? You look like a man who 90 per cent of the time has no idea what he’s doing or why he’s here.

Editor: They told me my face would grow in to my teeth.
*after small rant* I’m not a rabbit, fucks sake.

Editor about colleague: He does look like Harry Potter…when he’s got older and given up.

Editor talking about a song: I wanna dance to this while drinking an alcopop with a straw. Yeah, I’m 14.

Quotes 23.


Editor: I’ll be honest, this is the worst election coverage since the last time I did some election coverage.

Editor: Basically Harriet wants an owl in her nest.

Editor: I’m supposed to be deadlining but I’m actually googling the actress who used to play Claire Peacock to see what she’s doing now.
Reporter *looks at clock*: She’s probably in the shower.

Editor: Michael Jackson wasn’t gay, he was just a paedophile.

Editor being told he couldn’t change his quotes on the blog: Go fuck yourself, yeah you can quote that as well.

Reporter on a slow news day: Do you think Bin Laden ever came to Redditch or Bromsgrove?

Editor: Look at that big fat woman…oh she’s pregnant.

Editor: What’s the number for the police?
Reporter: 999.

Editor: To be honest, I see no problem in eating chavs because then at least they’ve contributed to society.

Editor: Pants or no pants, you’re no good to me.

Editor: When I build sandcastles, I lose myself for an hour or two.

Editor 1: What are you doing? What are you doing? If you put anything about badgers on my board you’re dead.
Editor 2: It’s about horses.
Editor 1: Ohhhh *puts head in hands*

Quotes 22.


Photographer: Does anyone know where Worcester Hospital is?
Reporter: Worcester.

Editor: Walsall is the armpit of civilisation.

Editor on the phone: Yeah we have to do a head count each day to see whether anyone else’s been cut.

Property exec: I want to go outside and sit in the sun. I don’t think my computer would work any slower out there. Unplugged.

Editor: Sometimes your creativity is stiffled by your tight pants.

Editor: Unfortunately I’ve done something today you wouldn’t be proud of.
Photographer: Pooed yourself?

Editor: Is it beavers who use their arses to scent stuff or is it chipmunks?

Editor: I love ducks. I hate people who beat them up.
Photographer: They taste nice.

Editor: It’ll be funny if there’s a bus crash or something.

Reporter with a cold: Can someone shoot me? I think I might be lame.

Editor sings in the middle of silence: I’ve got a heavy horse.

Editor on the phone: I’ll give you my number *starts reading out number* oh no sorry, that’s your number.

Quotes 21.


Editor: I think the best thing about this paper is the fact that it’s so small I’ll be able to fit about three stories in the whole thing.

Editor: Can you imagine if Harriet was just driving a pedalo down the road and someone ploughed into her in an articulated…and then the company tried to claim the £500 excess.

Editor: He’s written ‘likewise’. What are you writing, Shakespeare?

Editor: I’m fond of you in the same way you’re fond of a lame dog you rescued from being run over.

Editor talking about Miley Cyrus: It’s all about the climb. And I’m watching her boobs bouncing up and down on the horse.

Editor: If you’re walking through an underpass at quarter to three in the morning, you’re going to get punched in the face. It’s a fact of life.

Editor putting down the phone: Aw that was nice, that was the toy poodle’s dad.
*Cue funny looks* I mean, not its dad obviously.

Angry editor: Why the hell are you sending me work related e-mails to my work e-mail address?

Editor: Can you imagine if I went and bought a massive sea bass from Sainsbury’s and was smashing you in the face with it while we…I mean that wouldn’t even be slightly fetishy, it would just be assault. They’re quite hefty you know.

Reporter talking about editing for the first time: Will you still be my friend if I do so badly that the company has to close?
Property exec: I might like you more.

Editor to reporting considering wearing a Latvian costume for a Eurovision night: Now don’t make it too tasselly, there’s a fire involved.

Editor to pregnant colleague about what she’d given up for Lent: Well you obviously gave up birth control.

Quotes 20.


Editor: Have I got AIDs? I hope not. I can’t rule it out though…everything else is going wrong so…

Editor: I don’t know if he was respectable. He was wearing glasses, he might be a paedophile.

Reporter: Chavvy’s all I have.

Reporter: I’m not stupid.
Editor: Woah woah woah, let’s not make claims we can’t back up.

Editor: I like taps, there’s something reassuring about them.

Editor talking about why pictures were going missing out of the library: Could it be that the county council are cutting all the libraries including our picture library?
Editor 2: You’re the kind of person who gets punched in the face.

Reporter: I was really excited about getting the census but then when I opened it I thought ‘this is shit’. I thought it was going to ask really personal questions like ‘what colour pants are you wearing?’

Editor on the phone to his young daughter: What you going to do today?
Editor 2 under his breath: I’m a child [editor], probably just play with my toys.

Male editor: I’m busy looking at my vajazzle.

Editor: To know there’s someone out there beating off over me would be pretty sweet.

Editor singing: What’s the difference between you and a bucket of sick? The bucket!

Quotes 19.


Editor on phone: Have you got a couple of breasts out?

Editor1: Why’s she got loads of little nipples around her main nipple?
Editor2: How can you be a page three girl with nipples that ugly?

Editor: Backpain is now the most common reason for not having sex.
Photographer: I thought it was ‘you’re fucking ugly’.

Property exec: I’m a little text message.

Editor: Can you imagine if you pissed me off and I said ‘fork off’ and then stabbed you in the eye with a fork?

Editor: He said he liked our story and he kept a straight face so I think he’s a really good actor.

Editor: You smell like a chemistry experiment.

Editor: Unless she phones up to sue me we won’t hear from her.

Editor: It should only take ten minutes unless it’s a really good story or they’re really deaf.

Words of wisdom from Dolly Parton.


I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out.

I modelled my looks on the town tramp.

I’m not going to limit myself just because people won’t accept the fact that I can do something else.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I’m old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I’d tell them where to put it.

If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.

Storms make trees take deeper roots.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

You’ll never do a whole lot unless you’re brave enough to try.

Find out who you are and do it on purpose.

I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.
Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

The magic is inside you. There ain’t no crystal ball.

Quotes 18.


Reporter: Is it acceptable to go to Spoons and eat dinner on your own?
Photographer: It is if you’re an alcoholic.

Reporter talking about being too loud: It’s the clogs isn’t it? I’ll try and remember not to bring them to work in future.

Editor 1: You’re telling me we’re doing a story about two dogs getting married, two pretend cartoon dogs?
Editor 2: No, that comes later.
Editor 1: Oh that’s alright then, as long as we’re not doing it now.

Editor: Control and Shift my ass.

Reporter: I’m gonna throw something at you.
Editor: As long as it’s a picture caption it’s fine.

Editor repeatedly slamming keys on his keyboard: Do you think if I had a computer that works I’d be less fucking angry all the time?

Editor answering the phone: Hello, news sex.

Editor: Bedroom with useful fitted wardrobes? What as opposed to wardrobes where you’ve sealed the doors or filled it in with concrete? The bedroom has wardrobes but unfortunately they’ve got a massive hole in the back and the hooks are broken but still, it’s got wardrobes.